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It's official: Pinterest has ruined my life.
How, you ask, has Pinterest ruined my life? After all, Pinterest is wonderful. Amazing. Fantabulous. Pinterest is a window to a world of color and light and glitter and all things sparkly. Pinterest is kittens and cotton candy and warm socks that never, ever fall down or get bunchy. How on EARTH could Pinterest ever hurt anyone?
Where would you like me to start?
You see, in The World According to Pinterest, Valentine's Day (which I like to call by its abbreviation, "VD") is a freakin' national holiday, uncelebrated by only the most cold, callous, unscrupulous creatures. You don't want to be a cold, callous, unscrupulous creature, do you? Of course you don't. So you will celebrate VD, regardless of your true feelings on the subject, because you don't want to be thrust out of the Pinterest realm of good standing like a leper. (Not to be confused with a leperchaun, which is what Pinterest will celebrate next month.)
Of course, back in the old days, it was perfectly acceptable to run by the pharmacy or Quik Trip on February 13 and pick up a box of Valentine's cards--the ones that come about 30 for a buck, including a couple of large "Teacher" cards, and tear apart at the perforations--and have your kid (or you, if your kid can't yet write his name) scrawl their names on the back and seal them with a heart-shaped sticker.
No longer the case in the Era of The Pinterest.
No, the standard Valentines are no longer acceptable. If you send your child to school with 30 of those flimsy Quik Trip cards, you obviously smoke cigarettes and flick the ashes in your kid's cereal bowl. And if your child hands his Teacher one of the Teacher cards? Be ready for him to repeat that grade so you can try harder next year.
If you LOVE your children, you will CREATE Valentines with them.
For your older children, this might mean making 27 friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss. Nevermind you don't know how to make them and your 10-year-old child can barely tie his own shoes--you will buy the embroidery floss, and you will scour the interwebs for a friendship-bracelet-making tutorial that doesn't sound like Sanskrit.
And even after your child loses interest after making three bracelets, you will press on until your carpal tunnel starts acting up and you tie your sheets in knots in your sleep.
Although your preschooler has shown a profound interest in making friendship bracelets, you will, knowing he can't even wipe his own hiney, buy him some shoestrings and large beads so he doesn't feel left out. And while he's doing that, you will print giant lips on red and pink card stock, through which you will poke Tootsie Pop sticks. Visualize twenty small persons walking around with suckers sticking out of their giant lipped-mouths. Roll on the floor laughing at the hilarity. (This will secure your youngster a spot in an Ivy League school for certain.)
But wait--Valentine's Day isn't just for kids. Pinterest will show you how to crochet a little heart. You will do this. You will experiment with different sized crochet hooks and end up with different-sized hearts.
Of course, Pinterest didn't tell you what to do with the hearts, so you will ruminate until you come up with the idea of chaining them together into a sort of scarf.
(Not the practical kind that will actually keep you warm, because practicality is for losers and bad parents.)
Pardon the pins. They're holding the hearts in place while I attach them to the scarf.
The good news? VD is over next week.
Which gives you plenty of time to plan for St. Patrick's Day.